Let’s face it: most of us like to have a whinge. And it sure has it place. We may feel relief to get things ‘off our chest’, we may feel free to say what we really wanted without filters. We whinge to feel understood, perhaps validated. Most of us do it. But it’s worth having a bit of a closer look.
Have you ever found yourself repeating the same story, with the same intensity to 3 or 4 different friends? Have you ever noticed that the angrier you are, the more likely you are to start repeating the story or getting obsessed with details?
Here is an invitation, or rather two. The first one is to observe yourself and pay attention:
- Next time you are having a whinge, notice how you are feeling, both in terms of feelings, but also how does your body feel. There might be some sense of relief from feeling understood, but also notice that you probably feel as if you were right there, in the very situation you are whinging about. You may feel angry, annoyed, frustrated, you may be tensing your muscles, raising your voice, feeling your heart or your breath getting agitated. You may also notice you started repeating the story and going around in circles.
- If you do this a couple of times and notice that the more you talk about it, the more agitated you are and the harder it is to stop talking about it, then try the second invitation.
- Say something happened and you feel you want to talk to someone to vent. Take a moment to consider how long it would take you to share what happened and how you feel about it. We can actually say a lot in 10/15 minutes, but you are the judge, you decide the timing.
- Make a resolve to contain your whinge to the amount of time you estimated and to then shift the conversation to something positive.
- When you talk, time yourself. Observe how you are feeling as you get the story off your chest and when the time is up, find a way to wrap up the story and shift the conversation to a positive place.
- See how it feels to do that. See if you can let yourself ‘park’ the past situation, put it back in the past, or in the environment it belongs to and be present with the current positive interaction you are having now. It may be hard. You may notice yourself wanting to go back to whinging, but see if there really are things you haven’t already said or if it’s more like a rumination that goes around and around.
- See if you can let yourself re-focus on things that make you feel good and allow yourself to sink into that feeling.
It is interesting to watch what we do with the things that annoy us, how sometimes we can keep them alive and present beyond their time and place. We all do it. I can own to ruminations about small things that become all consuming as we keep re-playing the movie in our heads.
The invitation is not to disregard our hurt or anger, neither is to stop seeking support when something difficult has happened. It is rather about containing the hurt, so that whatever the circumstances might be, we don’t continue to hurt ourselves by being caught in a cycle of negativity.
It is about finding ways to nurture ourselves, feel good, more relaxed and happier. This can also help us see the situation more clearly and with some perspective and allow us to deal with it more productively.
It is ultimately, about treating yourself well. You’ve got nothing to lose!
