‘What is psychotherapy?’ People often ask me when I say what I do. Most people don’t know what it is, others offer the assumption: ‘it’s for crazy people, right?’
I find this interesting as I grew up in Buenos Aires, where ‘being in therapy’ is as common as it is in New York and people talk about their psychotherapy openly. There is no stigma attached to seeking help if you are struggling emotionally and nobody thinks ‘there’s something wrong with you’. For many people it is about healing wounds from the past, in order to regain a sense of control in their lives and move forward but many also access psychotherapy as a tool for personal growth.
So, back to the question; if I am short of time, I usually say ‘think about it as counselling’ as that’s a word people are more familiar with, but psychotherapy is usually much more involved that counselling. That is not to take away any value to what counselling can offer, but psychotherapy works at a deeper level. Rather than addressing a specific problem such as drinking or gambling, psychotherapy looks into and addresses the root causes of what led you to drink or gamble in the first place. This is because many times those issues are a just a symptom or the tip of the iceberg and a clue of what is really going on inside you.
So, to describe psychotherapy as a place where you ‘talk about your problems’ is only part of the picture. The therapeutic relationship is one in which you have the opportunity to get to know yourself at a deeper level, to get to know who you really are, as often our ‘authentic self’ can be hidden behind many masks.
It’s a space where you can be seen, understood and accepted just the way you are and you can come to understand your patterns of behaviours, feelings and engagement with others. But more importantly, it is a space where you can work through some of these patterns and deep seated issues in the context of a caring and professional relationship to help you find ways of being that are more satisfying and fulfilling.
We learn to feel, to behave and to relate through our relationships with our primary caregivers. If all goes well, we grow up to feel loved, accepted, worthwhile, confident, secure in ourselves, able to express our thoughts and feelings, to meet our needs and able to form respectful, caring and fulfilling relationships as adults.
Sometimes, however, things don’t go so well and we learn some ‘lessons’ that are not conducive to a happy adult life. This is often the case when somebody grows up experiencing child abuse or neglect or in an environment of violence or trauma. But it can also happen in the context of a family with parents who try their very best, but their circumstances are simply too tough or their upbringing did not provide them with the skills to parent well and they cannot attend to their child’s needs the way they would like to.
As we grow into adulthood, these ‘lessons’ we learnt stay with us. It’s a bit like we carry a virtual version of our caregivers inside ourselves, who are always telling us what to do, how to behave and how to feel. And they are indeed powerful ‘voices’. So, if we grew up to believe that we are ‘not good enough’ (or whatever other negative message about ourselves), it takes more than just our friends telling us how good we are. We need to work through some of those old internal wounds to find a new, powerful voice inside ourselves that is confident, positive, firm and honouring of who we really are.
Emotional wounds, not unlike physical wounds, also need to be taken care of in order to heal. If we cut ourselves and ignore it, we are likely to suffer complications, such as infections. But if we tend to our injury, clean it and cover it, it will heal. If we ignore our emotional wounds and don’t tend to them, complications can arise too and we may experience anxiety, depression, form relationships that hurt, engage in destructive behaviours or just feel that no matter what we do, we never feel fully alive.
Psychotherapy allows us to tend to these wounds in order for them to finally heal. It is not a process of re-opening the wounds, but rather one of turning our full attention to them with a different kind of heart (a heart of compassion) and in the context of a caring, supportive and professional relationship that can guide us through the healing process.
Psychotherapy is not a ‘quick fix’. It takes time to change patterns we lived by all our lives, but if you are committed to your wellbeing and want deep, long-lasting change, the time and effort are definitely worth it.
If you are looking for meaningful change and you are ready to give yourself the chance, call me for a free 10 minutes consultation or to make an appointment. A more fulfilling life is possible.
