Anxiety and insecurity can greatly impact the quality of someone’s life. I am not talking about being a bit anxious before a job interview or feeling occasionally insecure in the face of a new task. For some people anxiety and insecurity are eternal companions, making every decision, big or small, a real struggle, every action a cause for worry and every relationship a minefield.
Many highly anxious people are incredibly successful in their field. Many who are plagued by insecurities try to manage it by overachieving. An outsider may not suspect this in the least, but what happens in their hearts and minds is a different story.
Living in this constant state of doubting oneself can be exhausting. It’s as if no action, thought or conversation is ever truly finished. It may start with anticipatory fears days before and with a lingering doubt continuing for days. Or it may be fast moving and all pervasive, feeling watched, judged, compared and ‘less than’ everyone else all the time.
Of course each person has it own history of how they came to feel this way, but many share a background where some conditions in their growing up, didn’t go so well. Like it or not, the way we see ourselves, who we think we are, what we see as our strengths and shortcomings (in other words: our ‘sense of self’), is strongly shaped by those early relationships.
We don’t need perfect parents/caregivers, but we do need ‘good enough’ parents/caregivers who are reasonably available and in tune with us as we grow up, who accept us and love us for who we are, who provide care and advice when needed and enough freedom to explore the world while maintaining safe and healthy boundaries.
There are three important relationship qualities that support healthy development: Safety, Stability and Nurturing1. Let me just spend 5 seconds on each of them.
Safety: The extent to which a child is free from fear and secure from physical and psychological harm.
Stability: The degree of predictability and consistency in a child’s social, emotional and physical environment.
Nurturing: the extent to which a parent or caregiver is available to sensitively and consistently respond and meet the needs of their child.
What we need is enough of a sense of safety to feel free to be ourselves and make our own decisions without fear of consequences. Enough of a sense of stability to be able to trust others and ourselves and reasonably predict the consequences of our actions. And enough nurturing to be able to identify and meet our needs and care for ourselves and others.
If we grew up in an environment where we were not allowed to experience the world and make mistakes, or we consistently received messages that put us down, or there was just so much going on in the family that nobody had time for us, we have a lesser chance to develop a strong sense of self and feel confident in ourselves.
As adults we can carry this lack of confidence into every aspect of our lives, making everyday life feel like a huge and exhausting task. But you don’t have to live with these feelings forever. Anxiety and insecurity can be addressed. Psychotherapy can help you lower your anxiety and feel more confident and in control of your feelings and your life.
We can work together to help you build a strong sense of self, to get to know and appreciate who you really are and acknowledge your strengths and shortcomings without feeling ‘less than’ but simply accepting the imperfect nature of being a human being.
If anxiety and insecurity are impacting your life and you are ready to make a change, call me for a free 10 minutes consultation or to make an appointment. Freedom is possible.
1. Centre for Disease Control and Prevention. Division of Violence Prevention
